My first article that got credit: Written: January 14th 2009. I’m running this as a preview of the updated one that will be coming out in a couple of weeks.
At this, the midway point of the season, I thought it was time to hand out some awards for the most important sport to most men. That’s right, fantasy football. Without further ado…
The I liked them before they were famous award:
This award goes to cheap players who lit it up for a few weeks, at which point everyone bought them at which point a combination of illness, injury and ineffectiveness made everyone realise why they were so cheap in the first place
Geovanni – Scores wonder goals – does little else
Myhill – Hull
The one year wonder award:
This award, sometimes referred to as ‘The Nolan’ goes to the player who made a mockery of his fantasy value last year only to bump awkwardly back to Earth this year. That award can, in my mind, only be awarded to one player. That player is Kieran Richardson
The Best single game statistical explosion
Otherwise known as ‘The Benjani’ so named after the memorable 7-3 Portsmouth Reading fantasyfest last season where Benjani, if he was your captain got you a gazillion points. This award goes to a player who is unheralded, yet for one week skewed the fantasy teams he played for. That player, who in week 17 exploded for 17 points is midfielder Antonio Valencia.
The ‘what more do I need to do to get my coach fired’ award:
This goes to Kevin Pietersen…Oh sorry, wrong sport. I guess I’ll give it to the entire Blackburn squad who did an inspired job of quitting on Paul Ince. Apologies to the Spurs players who did their best to win this award. I just felt Blackburn put forth more effort (sic) to win this. See the difference was you got the sense with Blackburn that they were more than willing to do anything – scoring deliberate own goals, start drinking on the pitch, publicly pine to play for other mediocre teams (yes you Santa Cruz) to get shot of Ince. I never got that sense with Tottenham.
The Bread and butter award
This award goes to a list of players that winning fantasy teams have, ostensibly because they are very good at racking up the points and wont break the bank.
Howard – Plays for one of the stingiest defences in world football. Sound like hyperbole? Look it up.
Joseph Yobo, Phil Neville, Phil Jagielka, Joleon Lescott – totally utterly dominant. Teams who score on Everton rarely do so without prodigious skill.
Ireland – If you don’t have him in your team, the only acceptable reason is that your girlfriends father cares a little bit to much about united and threatens your life each time you suggest putting Ireland or any other City player in your fantasy team.
Malbranque – 3rd season in a row that Malbranque has been dependable fantasy points. Very much the Winston Wolf of fantasy football.
Ashley Young – England
Danny Guthrie – Gets assists, takes penalties. He’s still rubbish at life but for fantasy purposes if you have less then five points to spend he’s a decent enough bet.
For strikers I just want to say straight off the bat that it is a crying shame that Walcott got injured as before he did, he was guaranteed to get a goal or assist every game. Quick tangent: I remember watching Arsenal play Fulham earlier this year before Theo exploded onto the scene and remember two things; Holy Cow, Theo is good. I mean Fulham were TRIPLE TEAMING him for goodness sake. I also thought that Fulham would be ok as Roy Hodgson knew that Theo was dangerous enough to merit triple teaming. Let me reiterate, this was before the Croatia game where England
Zaki – Plays for Wigan , scores lots of goals. Let’s be clear on this point. It would be a blow to Wigan to lose Heskey. It would be curtains to lose Zaki.
Jason Roberts – This is a hunch, but my gut tells me he will be the main beneficiary from playing in Sam Allardyce’s system. Big, Strong, quick and good in the air. He’s cut from Big Sam’s cloth.
The first fit Everton striker – He will score more than either Callum or George Best
Gabi – We’ve needed a good Gabi in our lives since Batigol left. This kid will be a star as long as he has pace.
Jones – One of Sunderland ’s few class acts. Don’t pick him if you have problems with a player that will score at least 8 more goals this season (health permitted)
The ‘from a certain angle’ award:
You know how some guys swear that Alyson Hanigan (a.k.a the red head from Buffy) is hot? Well, they’re wrong. I have debated this many times and the closest anyone came to explaining this strange phenomenon was by saying that from a certain angle she was hot. Although I maintain that she isn’t hot, I liked my friends explanation and thought it was better applied to certain fantasy players who reel the unsuspecting male in, normally with a big name who, on closer inspection have done precisely sod all to help fantasy teams consistently win. The nominees:
Palacios – Someone needs to email me and tell me how he has tricked so many otherwise normal men into thinking he’s good
Wheater – I myself fell under his mediocre charms. Gosh, I’m an idiot
Ballack – I feel I deserve a bit more bang for my buck, Mr Ballack.
The winner is none of these. The winner is a player who was his teams big off season signing. A player who had been tipped for an England call up as recently as last winter, a player who in my eyes should be done under the trades description act for having the temerity to call himself a goalscorer. The runaway winner of both the From a Certain Angle award and t he Working Man in a Pub could do Better than you award goes to Dave ‘The, ahem, fox in the box’ Kitson.
So there you have it; one man’s myopic view of the fantasy season thus far. Feel free to comment.
For the updated awards I’m opening up the floor for ideas of both awards and award winners. Leave your comments below
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